Now that our oldest child, Andrew, is 14, Larry and I are facing all sorts of challenges that we never could have anticipated. It’s surprising, because when our kids were younger, for example when we had three kids in diapers, I never thought anything could be so difficult as parenting little kids.
I now know I was wrong.
This past Friday night is a perfect example. Andrew wanted to go to his friend Ana’s party. My first question, of course, was “Will her parents be there?” He assured me that yes, the parents would be there, and if not the parents, the babysitter would certainly be there.
This answer was not quite sufficient for me, so when Larry left to drop Andrew off at Ana’s house Friday evening, I specifically asked him to MAKE SURE he met the parents before leaving Andrew at the house.
So Larry arrives back home, and my first question is, “Did you meet the parents?”
Larry had this weird look on his face, that look that says I-know-I’m-in-trouble-but-there’s-no-escaping-it-now-so-I-might-as-well-accept-it. “The babysitter was there…… but she was in the shower so I couldn’t meet her.”
Larry likes to say to our friends that I have this look, he actually calls it the look of death, and I believe this is one of those times in which he was on the receiving end of the look of death.
“AND YOU BELIEVED THAT??????”
“What was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to embarrass Andrew.”
Naturally, and I KNOW you all will understand this, I freaked. Andrew is 14 years old, and I think we can all agree that 14 is too young to be unsupervised at a party. So I did what any sane mother would do. I furiously texted my son.
“So, Dad tells me the babysitter is ‘in the shower.’ Really???? Because that seems really strange.”
Andrew wrote back: “She is in the shower. She is a swim teacher, she just got off work, she got to the house and got in the shower right away.”
I replied: “So she is STILL in the shower? Wow, that is a really long shower. I hope she will be done showering before dad comes to pick you up.”
At this point, there’s nothing we can really do. Andrew’s at the party, doing God-knows-what, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Of course I am concocting all sorts of scenarios in which my son is doing tequila shots, smoking cigarettes (or worse), and possibly playing spin the bottle, or whatever stupid kissing game they play now. Doing things that (maybe) I might have done when I was 14, and subsequently not told my mom about.
Here’s the worst part. Andrew was telling the truth. Larry met the babysitter when we went to pick Andrew up, who confirmed the whole showering-after-swim-lessons story. Can you even imagine my horror when my son got home and self-righteously demanded an apology from me?
Tell me the truth… would you have bought his story? Was I so wrong to think there was no way there was really a babysitter there?
Honestly I never would have believed it either. I mean how many babysitters take a shower while they are supposed to be watching kids (even if they are 14).
My first question is: Has your son ever given you any reason before for you to not trust him? If not, then what reason did you have to question what he told you?
Secondly: Remember that your teenager is not every other teenager.
Third: My parents did the same “freaking out” thing when I went to my first party. However, they always told me that they would trust me until I gave them a reason not to. I remember going to my first party without parents (but I thought their parents would be there), and calling my mom as soon as I realized there were no parents there to tell her and ask her what she wanted me to do. The first thing she said was, “Oh, so now there’s conveniently no parents there?” I calmly responded that “No, there are no parents here. That is why I called you. I was told there would be, and there is not. I told you there would be which is why I called.”
She actually came to pick me up, but not because she had to. I asked her to, because I wasn’t comfortable being there. I’ll always remember the car ride back and her saying, “I’ .m sorry. I just remember all the things I pulled as a teenager and it’s hard for me to separate you and I. Thank you for calling me. You’ve shown that I can trust you.”
Long story short: Looks like your son was telling the truth. One less problem to have to worry about.
Disclaimer: I’m 19 now and in college. I STILL call my mom when going to a party and that happened 6 years ago. Ha!
My husband would have stayed to meet the babysitter. Ana could have told her that someone was waiting to meet her. My son is older and though I do not always meet the parents before the party I do check and double check the story. Plain and simple we are the parents and our children’s well being is our only responsibility. If being a good parents embrace them well that is what it is.
I have a 14-yr. old boy and I completely understand where you are coming from! You are right, in general, but I think the lesson learned is to find out these things ahead of time. When my son wants to do these kinds of things, he knows my first question will be, “Are his/her parents going to be home?” Almost always, the answer is yes. If it is no, there is (so far!) always an adequate explanation – college-age sister is in charge while the parents are at other sibling’s game, etc. And we always confirm, surreptitiously, when we drop him off – we go to the door with him and talk to the parent(s) about what time to retrieve him. This has been O.K. with him thus far, but I do anticipate a time when he won’t like that…! Bottom line, stay your course, you are doing the right thing. You can tell your son that if that happened to my son, I would have waited there until babysitter emerged from shower…!!! That should make him feel better!
I’m with you. I’ve pulled the “parents in the shower” stunt too many times to count. Andrew’s just lucky it was true this time. And I don’t think you should be horrified that he was telling the truth (this time). I think the one really in trouble is the dad. And I think HE knows it too!
granted.. I don’t have a 14-year-old, but I have 2 younger sisters who I am very protective over. I wouldn’t have bought the story BUT from a recent-teenager’s point-of-view, you should probably give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.. if you automatically don’t trust him, he might lie to you in order to not get into trouble. You also have to give yourself some credit that you’ve raised him well enough to (a# not lie to you and #b) not to be drinking and/or smoking
you were right I would not have bought it either, but this way your son will know not to mess with you…So glad I still a few year of peace of mind ahead of me…
You do not owe your son an apology, in my mind. IF you had run into the party screaming that you “want to see the baby-sitter now, or your son is going home” and embarrassed him you might have. You just texted him, and no one else needed to know about it unless he told/showed them. No parent in their right mind lets their kids have a party and leaves a babysitter in charge, no matter how competent the sitter.
However, if you think that you raised him well, and that he is able to handle this party, relax, and trust him to make good judgments. He will one day go to a party that is unsupervised and at least know what is right, even if he still chooses to do the wrong things.
no way would I have believed it!
No, I wouldn’t have bought the story, either. And, I would have hopped right on over to Ana’s house to meet the babysitter when she was done with her shower. Nothing wrong with what you were thinking. It was an odd scenario.
I have to say I would have pinned this as fishy too, and woudn’t have believed it. But it really is tough for a parent of a 14 yo boy to not do something if you do feel in your heart something isn’t right.
However, it’s also good to trust that your son will make good choices, even in a situation you may not wish for him to be in. You can only teach him how to be smart and be responsible, and let him go out there and use his judgement (it’s tough, I know!)
I think if your son thinks you will expect the worst of him, he will act the worst – some boys think: if you have no expectations of me, why should I feel bad abt doing this stuff?
I think you should probably apologize to your son, and choose a good time to calmly, and honestly, tell your son why you are nervous. I think he will be more empathetic if he understood where you are coming from. You’ll also get the chance to let him know you trust him to make good choices.
I would never have bought that story. What babysitter showers while on the job??? I can’t believe it was true.
All I can say is…don’t burn out too early…16-18 year old boys are even more challenging – and a solid foundation of mutual respect will help you through those even rougher years.
Who has a party for young teens and leaves a sitter in charge? I would’ve gone back and picked my child up no matter how embarrassed they were about it.
What is more important? Your son’s safety or embarassment? I wouldn’t have left my child at a party where there wasn’t a parent present. I know a lot of parents who allow the kids staying at their house to do some really stupid things, so I’m actually pretty picky about whose house I allow my teenager to go and hang out at. If I can’t trust the judgment of the parents, then he doesn’t go. I definitely wouldn’t let him go if there was a sitter unless that sitter was an adult whom I knew and trusted. Call me over-protective, but too much can happen that can’t be fixed or taken back.